Ananya: You said I didnt tell you anything about me?
Me: Yes. Todays talk was all about me.
Ananya:Oh…hehe. Well, I guess all-in-all I’m doing great.
Ananya: I feel like I’ve taken my life by the reigns and I’m doing what I should be doing.
I’m in control now, and it feels good.
And the things I cant control, I’ve accepted.
Me: what does that mean?
Ananya: Well, every time when I’m walking to and from class, or to my friends house, or to work…
basicly, whenever I’m walking outside (which is all the time, I rarely go out or out of city anymore) I look around me. I meen, I REALLY look around me.
Everything is pretty unfamilier. And its strange.
I’m not from Bangalore. I have no family from Bangalore. But yet here I am, living here….
And soon Priyanka (my elder sister who recently got married) moving away and how strange it is to be here.
I’d never have guessed 5 years ago this is where I’d be. It just seems so strange.
But I’m okay with it.
I ended up here, sometimes it seems in a way that Fate just made it happen, and I’m just okay with it.
I figure I’m supposed to be here.
Ananya: the Gods or Fate or Chance or whatever it is have put me here in a way that seems like I was just like a leaf being blown about in the wind with no control. Thats just fine. Where I end up, whoever I’m around, I do what I can to make tommarow better than today and that is making me happy.
Ananya: Okay, humor this strange metaphore, but its kind of like being in rapids, maybe. In the water. Being thrown (sometiems calmly, sometimes violently) in any direction and the safest thing to do, the best thing to do, is not worry about when the rapids may end, its just to avoid the rocks and keep your head above the water and focus on the seconds, the little moments, because they are the ones that matter. The ones that survival and success depend on. Dont look too far ahead, dont make too many plans, just keep your head up and survive and do the best you can.
Ananya: I think you can tell I am happy. I’ve had somewhat of an epiphany, I guess.
Me: It seems to be very deep as you just used many metaphors
Ananya: Yea. The things that made me upset and depressed and sad before I now accept with calmness and solitude.
Its okay to feel lonely. And when I feel lonely, I let it be. Just let it be. I know I’ll be okay.
Ananya: And when I’m happy and friends surround me and I feel cared for and loved, I let it be. I dont get my head in the clouds, I just accept it and let myself enjoy the moment.
I felt lonely.
Me: What things made you upset and depressed?
Ananya: I’ve never had close, close friends and its hard for me to make them. I get along with people great, but the kind of friendship I dream about and I think I see others enjoy always seemed slightly out of my reach. At least in physical presence. I know I have some online friends I talk to, but I’m talking the kind of friends to see on a regular basis.
Sometimes I look around and it seems to me everyone has it. But I dont.
And when I meet friends, I am self concious and insecure and I worry that my flaws to them are bigger then the flaws of their other friends. That I am worse, I dont fit in, I’m not wanted, and I get skared of being hurt and left behind and I start to isolate myself.
Like a monster in my head telling me to take a choice of being a pest or being alone, and neither of them makes me happy and I feel trapped.
Trapped to feel isolated. On the outside always only looking in, but never being a part of.
But I’m okay now, I have friends and I just let myself enjoy the moments with them and not worry what may happen tommarow.
Today, I have friends. And today I’m happy. I dont think further, I dont worry.
Me: I had similar situation
when I was at your age
So far I felt it’s good to be what I am…
As it’s very difficult to wear masks all the times.
To tell you the truth…
The transformation started when I met you
I realised there are more people like me
and I also can be considered important
that brought a lot of self-realization in me
But in process I realised…
I am good at what I am
Wearing masks the way others want to see us doesn’t work
People who matters to you will meet you somewhere
It may be late…but it’s much better than sheer pretention
which one continues to have to make others happy
Ananya: I’m really happy that I did that for you. At the time I was so confident, so full of hope and optimism….it was the epitome of youthful outlooks….
It was genuine and it was real, and – I’m learning – it was RIGHT.
Losing that it a bad feeling, and I’m fighting to keep what I have left, and get back what I’ve lost.
Me: its open secret to everybody who matters to me
that Ananya was responsible for my reincarnation
at the same time I used to get worried
that because of world’s pressure you might lose your “Self”
Thats’ why I used to tell you so many things about the world outside
However eventually things happened the way they were supposed to be…
It’s the flow of life which one cant stop
even if someone wants to.
Ananya: I know.
Me:it’s important that you realise what you were
and what you are.
At that time also, I used to say and ask…
why it’s so important to have someone in life
if he/she doesnt matter…
Just for the heck of having boyfriend/girlfriend
Just to show others that I am also like you
Just to be the part of that race (herd mentality)…
for the world around
That time…it was difficult to let you know what I meant
but I hope now you understand
Ananya: I do.
Me:I understand one thing from very beginning
that you are one of most important human being one could have around…
I am saying it as you are going to realise it after some time…
and important people make changes…
and make a difference to the world
Right now I am Vice President of my current company
but that does not make a lot of sense in the bigger picture…
Me:because many other people also reach there…It’s mechanical
However , internally I feel in bigger picture
I make a lot of difference
to the surrounding around
Being Vice President of a company is just one extension to who I am
Ananya: Hey, Ravi….can I tell you something I just thought of?
Ananya: Okay….once again an abstract metaphore. Its really hard for me to describe my feelings and thoughts so its the easiest way. Anyway….
Ananya: I feel like Fate played me a favor by putting you in my life. (I know its mutual, I know you say I helped you….but…it goes both ways like this..). I unknowingly invested in you, so-to-speak. I was only being myself, but what I did was I helped you become the person that, later down the road, would help me. You were then where I am now, and I helped you. And now that I am here, because of what I did before, I am reeping the rewards of a friend who understands.
Like I invested in you and now I’m getting back rewards. I didnt have any itnention or knowledge but its funny, how it all turned out.
If I never effected you, then you couldnt be effecting me now, by giving me the comfort that a friend understands.
Me: I dont see it that way…
it’s like give and take…which is world’s one of the biggest rule
but not always necessary to be true
you get affected only when other understand…
Sometimes it can happen in one way only…
in other words….
I see it as a flow
which coincidently looked like similar
Well, if I never knew you, there’d be no one to remind me how I felt.
My memory is vague, but I was so open and honest to you unlike any other person I knew.
Me: I know what u mean…
but comparing it with give and take is very cheap
Ananya: So only you really had the capability of refreshing my memory, refreshing it so much I can almost feel that old familier feeling of youthful optimism creeping back to me. Just because you remember who I am.
Me: One thing you may note…
for me people who make difference in my life never change
though they all pretend to be changed
internally they remain same
Ananya: Well I think our logic changes. Our way of interpreting what happens in our lives. Our way of reacting, our way of perceiving, but underneith all the small things, trivial things, things that ultimately dont matter, is a soul that has never changed since, well,since whenever we begin existing. More constant than the stars. lol
Me:Some exterior things changes
as the change is the only constant
but people internally never change
everybody thinks that he/she got changed
sometimes we also start thinking… did we really changed?
but in reality, only circumstances change
and based on circumstances we misinterpret each other
Thats where we perceive each other different
I know your right.
haha – because I keep coming back to my old self, even if only in intervals, even if sometimes those intervals are few and fare between – its still like theres a default…and genuine me, underneith it all, that will never change, never go away, and always come back. Always come back.
The Default Self hehe
Me:whatever you call it
Ananya: Thats what I’ll name it. AKA: Spirit.
Me: but I hope you know what I mean
I am not sure if all that story made sense or not
but I think it’ll be good for you to be your true self
Me: as I personally liked it very much
and how I perceived u is as:
someone full of optimism…hope
who like to live in the moment
and make it happy
dont care about pretentions and excuses
Ananya: I do. At least I think I do. haha – its one of the funny things about language and human communiction you can never be completely sure.
Me: It’s all about living the moment
which I am not sure where is these days
To tell you the truth…
Me: I could see that kind of innocense only in Shashank (my kid)…
he’s even better…
Ananya:Do you think that innocence is only youth?
Me:and thats why he’s my eye-ball
Ananya:Or is it a part of someone?
Me:it’s part of someone
its very important part
sometimes one lose it knowingly
sometimes one doesnt know if it’s at all important
but to me it’s one of the best asset one could have
people with that personality trait make a lot of difference in others’ lives
and that too without knowing
Ananya:What is innocence though?
How do you define it? What, specificly, made me innocent?
And what makes me un innocent now?
Me:I dont know even if you changed now
Ananya:Is it a vibe, or is it something I’ve done, some way of thinking, some kind of conciousness?
Me:you know it even better
it’s all about being honest I think…
Ananya:I dont know. I still feel innocent but there are things I’ve done that I am even to ashamed to admit sometimes.
Me:thinking positive all the times about world
We are not in physical touch for a long time now
so I have no clue what you are these days
I only remember those days which I know
Ananya:But those thigns I do I do out of curiosity of because the way I am, a very sensual person, I love experiences, so many experiences, to see what something feels like, to know what others might see who I dont understand, to do what I may not know I shouldnt just to see wht its like throuh others eyes.
I want to learn, I want to know, I want to feel every feeling and get the best and the worst and understand it
Ananya:But the things themselves, some things I’ve tried, would be the last thing defined as “innocent”
Me:I know and I do appreciate also…
Me:but I am not very sure the state of balance
as I never did that
the balance or imbalance I think you know urself
I have no clue
Me:I think now u know what’s that boundary of balance or imbalance with your experience
now it’s time to take ur life in ur hands
Ananya:I know. And this year has been the start, thats why I’m happy.
And you wanna know something?
Ananya:Part of the reason I’m so happy is because I dont try and define myself as narrowly as I used to. I dont do a bad thing and think I’m a bad girl for it. I dont do a good thing and think myself good. I dont do a smart thing and think myself wise. I am all of those things, never one without all the others. I’m a mix, I’m an accumulation of everything – I am both good and bad. I am both wise and foolish. I am both smart and dumn. I am both crazy and sane (haha) and I’m OK with that.
There is not one word or phrase that describes me. It would take books, volumes of books, I’m okay with that.
Everyone is like that, too. Not just me. But I’m just accepting it for myself finally.
thats why u see me not speaking any cheesy stuff anymore…
as I dont really care…
someone can like and someone not
Me:but I dont want to wear masks anymore
it’s very comforting
to tell just truth
and live it
Ananya: It is.
To be my own best friend, so-to-speak. Just let me be me.
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